Mom 2.0 and 2.1

This posting is dedicated to my aunt Jo. So many great memories are shared over coffee.
Mom  2.0

So, my last post may have been a little “off putting” or “disturbing” or any other negative identifier. At that point in time (from about age 8 to age 17) I did nothing but vilify my mom. if there was anything wrong in my life, it was due to my parents, and I was Not about to be convinced otherwise. I blamed my mom more than my dad though, because she was just So random. One day, she’s trying to see if she can get my head through the wall and into the neighbor's living room, the next, she’s waking up from a nap (she was a stay at home mom) and asking us about the “Woody Hardpecker” (woodpecker) show we were watching, and laugh right along side of us. It was this inconsistency that made no sense to me. My dad, he was always consistent. If he wasn’t drinking, he was just an asshole. If he was drinking, he was an abusive asshole. Two states of being, on, or Really on. and consistent. My mom however, was all over the place. You never knew what the hell would happen or be said next. Looking back, especially with the views and understandings of my own adulthood, I’ve come to believe (as I’m not a doctor) that my mom had either bipolar disorder, or possibly even borderline personality disorder, and it was both undiagnosed and untreated. Seeing as I personally have bipolar disorder, and can remember doing some really stupid stuff, without even realizing that I was doing it, or why, I feel I have a better understanding of her. There are all these Pseudo-cathartic self help books, especially for people with fucked up childhoods where they’re all “you must forgive your parent(s) for their transgressions. I have just two words for that... Fuck. That. My mom doesn’t need forgiving. She was not the monster that I thought I’d lived with. She was simply a person who needed help, in so very many areas, that was never received. Even if she wanted it, I don’t think she’d have known how to ask for it. She tried to keep us “in line” (which meant less abuse from our dad), she tried to keep us doing as well as we could in school, and she tried to keep us fed and clothed. So, all things considered, when you stack up the good vs the bad, she was once again, overachieving.

I never got to tell my mom that I cared about her. I left home at 17, joined the Army at 18 and only visited twice before she passed. Both times I visited, I was able to take her out to dinner and let her order crab cakes (this was like my mom’s gold plated filet mignon), so I think, she understood.

The information posted below, comes from my aunt, and my mom’s sister. I enjoy talking with her so much, because she’s SO much like my mom. It’s as though I can talk to my mom again through her. Anyway, this is direct quoting, with additional bits from me.

From my Aunt Jo “Chet, we grew up never hearing i love you. my father was an alcoholic till i was 17 then he quit drinking.we got mistreated a lot.but some of us grew up to change that, I'm one of them. i wanted my kids & you kids and other nephews & nieces to hear & feel love & hugs.your mom loved you kids more than her own life it was just hard for her to show it, she didn't know how.when your mom was 2, she sneaked out of the yard at 2nd & union st. to see dad who worked on the railroad.she was hit by a passenger train,her brain had serious damage, they told my parents she would have a young child's mentality. she couldn't function in high school so they just took her out of school.they also said hitting or banging her head at any time could have serious repercussions. your dad hit your moms head every chance he got.he only made her mental state worse.he rationed the food, the money everything.you kids were a tax deduction, or a welfare payment to him.but your mother really loved you in her own way.I liked your blog. I'm glad you realize now, your mom wasn't really the demon he was”.

So, to finalize. My mom literally had the top of her head cut off by the metal wheels of a train, brain exposed. This did not stop her. She married an extremely abusive asshole, who beat her pretty much every day of her adult life, this did not stop her. She had four sons, three of which were nothing short of hell bent on destruction. Still, this did not stop her. She did get an education past the 6th grade, yet all of her children graduated high school, and three went on to join the armed forces.

All things listed as they are, I’d say my mom was a fuckin’ super hero.