Being Me: Early On

Being me, as a kid sucked. I’m not talking about not getting a desired toy or something for a birthday, or perhaps, not getting the shoes you wanted vs the shoes you ended up getting. I’m talking about beatings, hunger, rage, hate and other not so fun things. If I wasn't getting my ass beat by my dad, I was getting my ass beat by my mom or either of my 2 older brothers, or even a random half-assed attempt by my younger than me, but larger than me brother.

I remember always being hungry, or if not hungry, always Wanting. Some of that was me. I feel, with the honesty of 40 years looking back, that I was a self-entitled greedy little shit sometimes.

I stole stuff all the time. From stores, friends, family, random people dumb enough (read: kind enough) to let me into their homes. I’d take food, money, food stamps, anything that I could that would feed the need. I learned how to ride a bike, on my own, by stealing it from someone’s back yard. I remember stealing toys from porches that I’d pass walking down the street, and giving them to my younger brother so that he’d have something to play with. But mostly, I remember being hungry.

There never seemed to be enough to go around, and what there was, was kind of terrible. My brothers and I weren’t family, we were warring nations. Always fighting for a shared resource, never caring who got what as long as “I” got “Mine”. It didn’t matter if it was a big ass pot of mashed potatoes, or a piece of overcooked meat. If it was there, we fought for it. It didn’t dawn on me that this wasn’t normal until I was about 8 or 10, and started hanging out with other kids. Their parents would (sometimes begrudgingly) ask if I’d like to stay over for lunch or dinner or something and it’d be as if a choir of angels just lit off in my head. Here were people that had not just enough for them, but for me as well. What is this sharing shit, and how do I make it work for me.

I’ve also sort of always been a manipulator. I’ve always been bright, and up until about “middle age” been kind of a dick. This still goes back to the warring nations theory. I learned early on that if I played my words right, I could get stuff, and sometimes get More stuff, from people that I either knew, or barely knew, and sometimes didn’t know at all. There was nothing I wouldn’t do, if I felt it would get me what I wanted (at that time). This behavior obviously led to some very bad, and actually dangerous situations throughout my younger life. I’ve teetered on the edge of So many things, that I simply won’t list Just yet, until I’ve warned some of my family members to either be ready, or to not read this at all.

In addition to the hunger, there’s the rage. I as well as my siblings all have this. Again, warring nations. I have a theory, and it’s pretty easy to comprehend. Poor people will fight, for anything, over anything. Take a group of people, who have little to nothing, then, try to take it from them. They will fight you tooth and nail to keep it. Now, take some of those same people, and teach them greed and jealousy and they will fight That much harder, sometimes for even less gain. For example, Mid 1990s we have shootings and riots all over South and East L.A., but none in Beverly Hills. Same area geographically but not financially. When’s the last time you heard of a group of rich white kids rollin’ up on another rich white kid and beating him up for his Polo jacket. Now, flip that over, 1990s, Air Jordans, google search Air Jordans, shootings, and 1990s. Shit’s fucked up.