Blog Post: Molestation Station, Occupant Me.

So, recently in the news, there have been multiple reports and arrests about people who either directly, or indirectly injured a child or children via methods of sexual exploitation. One of these people I even knew, via a social outlet that I no longer make use of, and god bless his mother, for the hell that he has put her in to. I myself and a victim of sexual exploitation, though, I didn't always view it that way. It took oh, about 26 years, and i Think 5 therapists for me to wrap my head around the idea that in all truth and honesty, a 12 year old, even one who thought he was as wise as I did, has the mental faculties to decide to get involved in a sexual relationship of ANY nature with anyone, much less someone much older and by much older, i mean anything over 18. For me, the first person to really abuse me, was 28, and I was simply 12. It’s odd to say how these situations arise. For me, some folks might ask if this is what “Turned me gay”. Honestly, no. I always was, always will be. Even remembering back to earlier times, I can remember being attracted to men, notice I said Men, and not Boys. As a young person, I’d find myself staring in awe at my friends fathers, I didn't understand what it was, I just knew that I wanted to be in the same space as them. It’s not like I'd do something so crude as to stare with lust, or try to initiate body contact or anything so dreadful. I was simply enraptured by what I can only describe as “manliness”. Even today, the type of men I choose to be around and with, for me, encompass what I consider “manly”.

Now, I want to be Very Very clear here, no child, or teenager (child to me now that I’ve crossed 40) has any right to be put into situations where predatory behavior can be enabled and or overlooked. For me, it was overlooked by so many for so long, simply because of who they believed the person was, and not for who they really were.

The initial contact happened at the birthday party of an adult sister of a friend. Here I am, confused and surrounded by people I barely know on a social level, and here is someone who fits my “idea” and is actually willing to pay attention to me. As a kid, I feel, I never really got much attention from adults that was in any way positive. Folks who know me may or may not agree, and I don’t really care. In talking to other gay men, who I've met socially who Also happen to have been victims of child molestation (sort of a burning badge around these parts) this is almost a common factor. Now, this is strictly speaking of those of us who thought we simply had “older boyfriends”. There are many men, both gay and straight who were forcibly molested and victimized and that’s a whole other brutal can of worms. Anyway, on with my story. I was always nervous around people I didn't know as a kid, Especially adults, but here was one, tall, bearded and with a Honda Scooter (hey, Grace Jones was advertising for them) that was offering to give me a ride on the back. So Wow, I thought, an adult, paying me attention, with a cool gadget (Love gadgets to this day), and a chance to get away from this crowd of people that i barely knew, it didn't’ get much better than this.

So we rode around, around town, and across the river to the neighboring town where his place was. We stopped the ride (my face was numb from smiling) and stopped into his place “to relax for a minute”. My eyes instantly fell on the bottle of root beer schnapps, as I’d been drinking off and on from about age 7 and hey, who doesn't like root beer? Of course, people like animals, when predatory, have a very good sense of what’s going on, and noticing my eyes flying to the liquor offered me a drink. I think if I could explode from overstimulation, my head would have painted his walls. Everything I thought i could want was all coming around me, and all at the same time, it was all simply too much for my 12 year old mind to process, but as I imagine, for a 28 year old predator, it was probably all too easy. Of course, being me, I simply couldn't “sip” a drink (mixed awesome with new at the time, Siera Mist). I had to slam one, then another, then a 3rd. By this time, I was well past legally drunk and moving into sloshed territory. So, what does any good predator do? Why, they move things along of course. Pulling out a pack of cards, he asks if I’d ever played poker, or any other card games. Now, I will up until this moment, maintain that I may have had some innocence left, but I mention that I’d played War, and Old Maid a few times, and my brother and I often play spades, but he proceeded to explain to me how to play “5 card draw” poker, but instead of betting money, the loser lost a piece of clothing, and “socks don't count as one each”. Fuck, what’d I care, I'm drunk, I'm high on adrenaline and excitement. What’s some cards and potential nakedness at this point, shit, I'm all in. Of course, again, there is NO way that Anyone, as far as I'm concerned, under 21 should be in this position, and then only with their spouse or partner. Also, anyone who is, has been or is the parent of a 12 year old boy knows, once things start flowing, well, certain things come “up”. So I got to add That embarrassment to my list as well. 

This bit of history chronicles just 1 day of what would go on for over 4 years. Repeating a pattern of abuse, and alcoholism, and twisting the views of a young person and how adult situations are handled. This also just reflects one person. I'd love to say that this was an isolated incident, or an isolated person, or well, isolated anything. What this did however, was convince me, as a teenager, that this sort of behavior was not only acceptable but rewardable. I soon found myself in the hands of other abusers, both via the first and seemingly random happenstance. I say seemingly random, as I feel that those who are predatory can sense someone who either has been abused, or is in a situation that makes them more plaint to the tactics of an abuser. I would continue my teen years, to nearly the end of high school putting myself into more and more dangerous situations. As far as I knew, it was all perfectly normal, as all of the adults I came into contact with were perfectly fine with the situation, and often looking for their own slice. For me, my story happens to have 2 happy endings. One, I managed to not only survive, but to, in my opinion thrive, simply based on who I am, and how I happen to be built. and the second, when someone finally came along, saw the situation and removed me from it, thus turning my life around and showing me that not all adults were predators. If you take anything from this, let it be that all children need our protection, no matter how strong or strong willed they seem to be. Let it be known, that there are people out there, looking to do harm, and it is our responsibility as adults to not only prevent this, but to stop it where ever we can.
This sort of behavior is not limited to male on male interactions as we see with the thankful recovery of kidnapped female children long thought lost to us. The damage that is done can be irreparable, but the person, with time can be healed.

Possibly the worst outcome of these situations are that the abused, who go on to live a life of shame, through the shadows cast by a damning society live in fear that they can one day become an abuser themselves. I know that I for the longest time found myself afraid to be around friends children. Not because I had any interest in them, but simply because I felt that i was in some form “broken”. It wasn't until around age 38 or 39 that I realised that I am not the problem, I am simply one of the victims, who needs to learn what was does not have to be what is. I am not a predator of anything but opponents in video games and a good meal.I am however, a strong man, who’s willing to speak my peace and let those be damned who would doubt my words.