"Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Clause: But he hates you."

“Never Had the Joy of a Welfare Christmas”
Everclear has a song, “I will buy you a new life”, with the lyrical line “They have never had the joy of a welfare Christmas”. Well, I have, and I consider that to be my last Christmas.
But, before we go there, and look at the world through shit colored glasses, yet again, allow me to share with you the best Christmas. Like, Ever.

As a kid, like most kids, I was just beyond enamored with super heros. Or, heros in general. My favorite though, was Spider Man. He came on I Think three times a day. Twice with the show “Electric Company” and once, later in the day as a live action show. The live action was without a doubt my favorite. To say that I loved this show is to say something like “China grows rice” No shit. Anyway, on what to me, was the single best childhood moment of All Time, I got my first watch. I Think I was maybe in the first grade, second at the latest. We lived on South 3rd Street, pretty “downtrodden” part of town, but we had nice neighbors, my mom always had someone to share coffee with and to talk to. All in all not bad. But, this one year, this one year was golden. I got not just my own, first watch ever. I got a Spider Man watch! This shit was for real! This was the single greatest, most shining moment of my entire pre-adulthood. I remember every single detail of it, even now, today at 40. It had a soft plastic band, that was really wide for my scrawny arms. I had to buckle it to the last most notch, and even then it was loose. The face was about 1.5 to 2 inches in diameter, it had a spread web as the backdrop of the face, with the standard analog numbers, but the single best point. It had cut outs, on either side at about the 4 and 8 o’clock positions that showed smaller webs that moved up and down with each tick of the watch. To this day, I don’t think I will ever receive a gift that will blow my mind quite as much as this did. I went absolutely apeshit. I swore that this watch, This bit of wind ups and plastic gave me my own spider powers. There was no way to convince me otherwise. I ran all over the place, living room, kitchen, bathroom, hallways, just jumping at stuff, feet and hands extended, just knowing that this was the time that I’d stick. Of course, reality doesn’t always obey the laws of a child’s mind. I remember I got all kinds of ass beatings for all the shit I broke. I know I broke the backing of my mom’s favorite chair by flipping it over too many times. I think I remember at least one foot going through the plaster of at least one wall, but it didn’t matter. You can beat an ass, but you can’t beat an imagination. This, this was the greatest Christmas ever.

The last Christmas ever...
Obviously, I didn’t cease to exist after my spider man watch, or any day after that, as I’m here today to write this. However, the following Christmas was my last. Now, there were many other December 25ths, and many other Christmas celebrations held, but none of them were for me. Ever again. My dad had lost his job, again. Couldn't’ tell you why, doesn’t really matter. This was our first “Welfare Christmas”. Now, as a kid, you have no idea what the hell a welfare Christmas is. You just know that you’re cold, you’re hungry, you have no toys or anything new. You’re nothing short of pissed off at the whole world and then someone knows on your door at like 6 or 8 pm.

I can’t remember today, if it was a Marine doing Toys for Tots, or if it was a fireman or what the hell, but I just know that some guy showed up with a box of used toys, and I got to pick one. Now, he also gave my mom a big ass box of food, which made her really really happy (us too, as we got to eat). I’m not sure why, but I seem to remember that the gentleman gave me first pick. Or at least to my childhood brain he did. I looked in this box, and I saw this one toy, and knew that if I didn’t get it right away, that I’d never have another opportunity to get it or have fun. This special toy was a “Bullet Man” toy. It was also Awesome. Red, soft cloth and stuffed body with a hard plastic head and hands, but the single most important part was, it still had the shiny silver plastic helmet that gave Bullet Man his name. Additionally, it Also still had the slider bar, aka a plastic straw type device glued to the back that you ran a string thru so that he could “Fly through the air”.
I’d have other Christmases, I’d get other presents, like shoes once in awhile, or a pack of stripe topped socks that went past my knees, or even some underwear that weren’t tighty whiteys (but not often) but Bullet Man, he signaled the end of an era.